First, we actually had lots of fun Sunday. It was Sam's birthday and we had a dump truck party. I can blog about that another time. Then Monday we celebrated my grandpa's 85th birthday, and then Tuesday I went to a funeral. For a baby.
I'm going to call my friend "Jenny" to protect her identity. Not that she'd really care if I was writing this, I just want to respect her privacy and grief right now. My dear friend Jenny and I have been through so much. She was a pivotal part in my spiritual growth. She knows all of my "dirt." She has been such an encouragement...I love her dearly. She has a son the same age as Sam. He's darling.
Jenny was due w/ her 2nd child last Saturday. They had a scheduled c-section for Friday. But on Thursday, she said she felt "different." She went to the dr. and the baby had passed away w/ the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. If they would have done the c-section hours earlier, the baby would have been fine. She had a normal pregnancy. I don't understand. I can't imagine enduring an entire pregnancy to have it end without a beautiful baby. I can't imagine putting the baby clothes, blankets, etc. away b/c you're not bringing your baby home.
So I got an email about a "funeral" for her baby and I had no idea. Her husband, "Jack," had written saying that they lost their baby and the funeral was Tuesday. My heart was aching. Jenny and I had prayed for husbands and children one day, and now this.
I went to the visitation before the funeral, and they had an open casket. Their baby was so beautiful. Jenny was in a wheelchair b/c she was still recovering from the c-section 4 days earlier. She had a black lace head covering on. She looked so...peaceful. She had tears, but she kept smiling. I hugged her and wept and wept. I said that I was so sorry and there weren't any words, but that God was still sovereign. Jenny said, "God is so good, Leigh. He is so good. He has showed Himself in miraculous ways to me in the last 3 days." Her strength shocked me.
The funeral was difficult. Jack pushed the casket down the aisle, weeping over it. Jenny walked down the aisle behind him, with her parents on either side, holding her up. The burial was the most difficult. A groundskeeper placed the casket into the ground, and the family tossed white rose petals onto his casket. Then Jack took a shovel and place some dirt upon the casket. Others followed, and we were invited to put handfuls of dirt on top as well to participate in paying our respects and saying good-bye.
I talked to Jenny and I continued to say, "I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say. She said she is still pumping, so if we knew of anyone who needed breastmilk to let her know. She said that was her way of leaving a legacy of her son. I replied that I didn't have any milk and Mary could use it. She said she would love to do it. We talked about logistics of pasteurizing milk, screening, etc. I also offered cooking and cleaning and simply sitting w/ her once the family is back to their hometowns. Jenny said she wants to have me come over to hold Mary so she can get her "baby fix." :(
Her son, who is Sam's age, seemed oblivious. He was playing happily w/ all of the other pinwheels on the headstones of other graves in the infant section of the cemetery. Another man wept and hugged Jack, and Jack replied, "I still have lots of hope in him, right there" (Nick).
At the luncheon, I sat w/ Jenny's mom. I said how remarkable Jenny was doing, and she said that there will be many hard days ahead. I agreed. She said that Nick (Jenny's son) whimpered all weekend and said, "Hold you?" (meaning "Hold me.") He just wanted Jenny to hold him b/c he could sense something was wrong. I said I have a son, Sam, who is the same age as Nick. Her mom said that that would be so good for Nick to play w/ another boy instead being in the middle of all of this...I agreed. She said she was so sad b/c she was looking forward to holding another grandbaby and now she's watching her child hurt and how hard that is.
I don't even know how to respond to all of this. Having a child die is so unnatural. Parents usually go first. I came home and held Mary for a long time. I didn't think I could love any more, until I got married. When I had children, I knew my love couldn't possibly grow any bigger. I would give my life in a second for my children. When I think about losing one of them, I get physically ill. I know that my hope is solely in God and not in my husband or children, but it is so difficult for me to think of burying a child.
Something else that happened that day made me sad. When we were leaving the church to go to the burial, there was a little girl, about 18 months old, wandering in the street. She looked filthy, and her diaper looked like she hadn't been changed in many many hours. The woman who was riding w/ us (a mutual friend) shouted "Stop!" She scooped her up and looked around for anyone to claim her. She saw a broken-down house nearby and climbed the rickety steps. A man who seemed like he could care less mumbled, "Sorry." I was so angry. Here are Jenny and Jack, burying their child, and they would give anything to have their child live and thrive. Then there are families who have children and do not have the resources or compassion to care for them. I thought of other friends who have been trying to conceive for years and my heart ached.
Anyway, this was my week. My heart is so grieved for Jenny, Jack, and Nick. And their parents. The grandparents are just as grieved. I don't know what to say. I know that life is a gift. Every breath is a gift. I am so grateful for every moment I have w/ Sam, Mary, and Jason.
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