Wow. Today was a big milestone. I went to a kickboxing class and sat through a movie. Not at the same time, of course. ;) About 5 months ago, I would've thought I'd never do either of those things again. I honestly can't remember much about the past few months. It's been such a blur. But I think God only allows you to remember parts, often the good parts, of things of the past. I remember lots of people making us food and helping out w/ kids. I remember being really sad and discouraged and in so much pain, but now I'm just achy once in awhile.
Speaking of being sad, I'm going to be real here. I know I struggled w/ some postpartum depression after Sam, but wasn't medicated for it. Everyone kept saying it was "normal" to feel overwhelmed, weepy, and anxious after a baby, but it went on for awhile. Now that I look back, I probably should've gotten some help.
After having Mary, the first week I was home, I was actually doing pretty well. I think I felt a little more confident w/ the "baby-thing" and was getting into a routine. But then I herniated a disc, and it was difficult to hold my newborn, nurse her, take care of Sam, and even dress myself. I was angry, sad, and in chronic pain. My body was completely out of whack (including my bladder being shot-- UGH.) I remember waking up many mornings and not even wanting to get out of bed. I would cry and cry. My heart would race due to anxiety and the massive amount of steroids I endured w/ 3 epidural shots into my spine to attempt to shrink the swelling and lessen the pain. It. Was. Awful.
I finally realized I needed help. I didn't want to feel this way. I started taking an anti-depressant/ anti-anxiety med, along w/ a beta-blocker to slow my heart rate down. I also began to take a sleep med to sleep 8-1 every night. Jason would take Mary for that block of time and I'd go to bed. I sought out a counselor at our Women's Center who specialized in PPD. She was amazing. I started functioning better. The panic attacks were stopping. The crying was less and less. I was feeling better. Finally.
All this to say, PPD is real. I feel like our society talks about mostly everything, but if someone has to take a med for mental health, they're considered weird or crazy. It's not crazy. It's real, and it is truly a chemical imbalance.
I'm not fearful to admit that I've struggled w/ this. If or when our next baby arrives, I will definitely be put on meds after delivery to be proactive. There's no shame in that. I'm thankful that I have the resources I do.
I also decided to completely stop nursing so I could take whatever med I needed to get better. I was in so much pain trying to nurse and pump. Then I had to figure out how long each med stayed in my system for pumping and dumping. My supply was lessening w/ the stress and anxiety of my situation. I know that choosing to bottle-feed was the best thing for my baby.
I want to say how much better things are going now. I have the desire to take care of myself again. I'm exercising (w/ modifications of post-back-surgery of course) and eating better. I'm back in the Word and praying again. I was so mad at God for awhile, and honestly was so "foggy-headed" I could barely focus to pray. I'm halving my meds now, and Lord-willing in a month I'll be off of them. I know that I'll feel more clear-headed without them. But if I start spiraling downward again emotionally, I have no qualms with resuming medication.
So things are going better now. And honestly, and it hasn't felt that way in a long, long time. I feel like I'm getting in a routine w/ Mary, and she's sleeping through the night! Yahoo! The best advice I've heard is that no med will help anyone unless they're getting sleep.
Things are going well w/ my sweet kiddos and my husband. We're celebrating 6 years of marriage in a few weeks. And Sam's 2nd birthday. And my 33rd birthday. Jason and I are laughing more. Mary is smiling and Sam often asks for "snuggles w/ Mommy-Daddy?" So even though I know that life is difficult, I'm going to accept that things are actually going well at this time. I'm going to bask in this moment, because frankly, I need this time. To recover. To laugh. To snuggle. To smile.
And that's worth more than anything to me. To sense His goodness and mercy and times of refreshment in the desert. Thank you, Jesus.
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