This situation has certainly forced me to see the positive side of things. Don't get me wrong, there are many times through the day where I feel defeated and discouraged. So I'm being real here...here are the "Grrr" moments, followed by the "But still..." moments.
GRRR:
-I can't lift Sam. Since I can't lift him in his highchair, I've been feeding him on the floor in a booster seat. I get down on my hands and knees and then onto the floor.
-I can't lift Sam in and out of his crib, so we changed his bed into a toddler bed. This creates a whole other issue. Although we put a baby gate around his bed to keep him there. :) It's just easier to me to get him in and out of bed now. Poor guy has had A LOT of transition: new baby, mom's out of commission for over 2 weeks, and now a toddler bed. He's such a good boy and has been amazingly good through everything.
-I have to get a chair to sit in front of the open refrigerator to find food since I can't bend over.
-I often slip on Sam's toys scattered through the house, especially on slick surfaces. Since I can only feel one leg, there have been many almost-falls, while holding Mary. Yikes.
-I can't lift Sam to the changing table, which makes getting dressed and diaper-changes interesting. He's really too big for the changing table anyway, but I can't go grab and pick up my defiant toddler to change him. I try to coax him to lay down on the floor for me. This can take a looooong time.
-Getting in and out of cars is painful. I also look pretty silly.
-I wash one hand at a time. That also sounds silly, but honestly, bending over at any degree is so painful. So I wash one hand and then turn my body and wash the other hand.
-Getting into and out of bed. I log roll. It's pretty attractive.
-Nursing...ahhh! Frustrating. I'm thankful that I'm back to nursing after being on all of those pain meds and having to pump and dump, but it's SO hard to sit for long periods of time, I often get up, walk, or lay down to nurse. It's just such a chore, and keeping Mary awake to nurse is another story.
-I can't think about lifting Sam into the car, into a shopping cart, or into a stroller. So really, I'm homebound. Not that I want to take my 3-week old out in flu season, but it's frustrating.
-I've heard various doctors say, "We want to try to take care of this to avoid any permanent nerve damage." Permanent? Really? Many times I think I can't live like this. I want my life back. But then I remember that many people do live like this, and they are even in much more disabling conditions.
-Embarrassing. I know that sounds prideful. This was a reality check today. My mom drove the kids and me to my grandma's to get out of the house, and we stopped to get a sandwich. I went in to get it, and it took me so long to walk across the restaurant. I literally felt like everyone was staring. I was dragging my left leg, and even "tried" to walk normally. It's impossible right now. It was a reality check of how many people STARE at disabled people, and my issue is hopefully not permanent. But what if it was? I'd have to learn to live w/ the stares. For the first time in a long time, I felt "different." It was a strange feeling.
BUT STILL...
-I'm able to dress myself, which is an improvement from last week!
- I can touch and hold my babies.
-I have 2 beautiful healthy children and an amazing husband who has been my rock through all of this.
-My friends and family have blessed me abundantly. People have brought meals, came to help watch the kiddos so I can shower, done laundry, cleaned the kitchen, helped me into bed w/ ice packs, allowed me to nap, etc.etc.etc. I literally wept over one meal the other day b/c I feel SO BLESSED w/ all of the encouragement and help I've received. Thank you, dear ones.
-I can drive. Since it's my left leg and foot I can't feel, I still can drive. There's something to be said about being able to drive somewhere by yourself and have that independence. It may only be to doctors' appointments, but I've gotten out a couple times by myself. It was refreshing.
-As of now, this is my only major health issue. My SI joint is out of whack from pregnancy, which hits my sciatic nerve, which makes my leg completely numb. Some people are fighting for their lives on ventilators right now, have no limbs, or have an inoperable cancerous tumor. Praise God that this is my issue! I have life and breath! If I live w/ numbness or chronic back pain for the rest of my life, so be it. Or if God allows some of those other conditions to occur, so be it. I believe that God is sovereign and can use any situation for His glory.
The title of my blog is "Choosing Joy." Don't get me wrong. I'm not "happy" about this. I've shed many tears and simply want to give up many times. It stinks that I can't go run to the gym and jump back into kickboxing or even get on a treadmill for that matter. But I believe that joy and happiness are two different things. Happiness is an emotion, joy is an underlying peace I have b/c of my faith. I believe I am created for a purpose, and one day I will have a healthy, heavenly body and I will reside w/ my heavenly Father for eternity. Life is only a breath--a moment.
How am I going to choose to respond to this situation?
How are you responding to your current situation?
2 comments:
It was so nice to see you last week. Honestly when I saw you I didn't even notice you were limping. I know you're self conscious right now and can't wait to be healthy again, but don't forget you are beautiful and loved no matter what! I wish I lived nearer so I could help, but you will continue to be in my prayers.
Wow. Your attitude humbles me. Good words Leigh :) But still praying for your COMPLETE healing.
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