Grrr.

Well...here I am. Day #4 after the shot. The pain is certainly significantly less, but my leg is still pretty numb. Apparently Day #8 after the shot is its peak effectiveness, so we'll see. I've talked to so many people, and finally got a hold of my primary family care dr. She said if I don't have feeling back by next week that we'll have to talk to the spine dr. and talk possible surgery. Of course they'll approach it conservatively, whatever that means, but they don't want the numbness to go on too long b/c it could be permanent. I also asked how long I need to pump and dump w/ the pain meds, and she said if I keep dealing with this, probably stop after a month. So that was a kick in the stomach. Surgery. No more nursing. Pretty much 24/7 care for my babies and me. This is NOT how I expected to spend my baby girl's first Christmas.

And guess what? I've done ZERO Christmas shopping. The only thing I have is a cheapy kitchen for Sam I got at a consignment store this summer for $10. There aren't even all of the parts, but I hope he likes it. Jason and I were downstairs the other night looking at the Christmas tree and he was holding Mary. I said, "Honey, I don't even have anything for you for Christmas." He said, "I'm already holding my present."

The hard part is everyone has different stories. This back surgery made it worse, or better, or chiropractic care, or acupuncture, or this bed, or traction tables, or PT, etc.etc.etc. There's just no formula or answers, and that's hard for me. It literally is ALL a moment-by-moment step of faith.

The point is, I can't hold my kids. Sam can't even sit on my lap w/o me being in total pain. I can hold Mary w/ a few pillows propped up to give her a bottle, but that can last for about 15 minutes tops. My leg just goes completely numb and feels like it's burning. I remember being w/ her in the hospital by myself for the 2 nights I was there, and the only way she'd sleep is sitting up, laying on my chest. So I layed propped up in bed w/ her sleeping on my chest. I remember thinking, I just want to sleep. And now I'm thinking, I'd sleep that way every night if I could. My mom has spent a few nights here to stay up w/ Mary to feed her so I could sleep, but I want to try it on my own tonight. I know it might take awhile. I'm hobbling and will probably have to wake Jason up to help me get propped up to feed her, make the bottle, and/or change her, but I just need to do this.

We've had AMAZING help the past couple weeks w/ the kids. But I just miss them. I'm noticing Sam is saying more two-word phrases and prefers my mom's lap to snuggling near me. I'm tired of laying in bed. I'm tired of people bringing me meals. I'm tired of people dressing me. I'm emotional b/c I just had a baby. I'm tired of doctors saying different things. I'm tired of having to choose between being in a total Valium-fog versus being in total pain. I'm tired of pumping and dumping. I simply want to get better. Yes, I know there's strengthening in these low times. But frankly, this just sucks. My heart hurts. I know I need to be strong right now to get through this. To persevere. To keep this family together and strong. But I simply don't feel strong right now.

So no, there's absolutely nothing under our Christmas tree right now. All I'm wanting for this Christmas is total healing. I want to be able to run and chase after my kids and be strong and healthy. And that truly seems like an impossible, unrealistic dream to me right now. So again, people, I'm relying on your faith to get through just this moment.