Again.

Well, I haven't posted anything about this for awhile because I was in denial. And a little bummed w/ the "girl-who-had-back-surgery" label. :) Anyway, I think I may have re-injured my back. After back surgery, people will probably have some pain/stiffness for the rest of their lives. I know that. I've been faithful w/ my PT exercises, stretches, walking, etc. I don't know what I did...I've always had a little "twinge" on the lower right (my left side was effected earlier from a herniated disc). There were a couple times, though, that I felt a distinct pain in that area, similar to the spot I had on the left side. I had to ice, take my pain narcotics and muscle relaxers and was down for the count for a day. Then in the past few weeks, my right foot has been hurting so badly. Like someone is taking a hammer to it. It's difficult to walk, and sometimes it goes from the glute to quad to shin to calf to toe. My PT did an assessment and she noticed some weakness in my right leg. Compared to my left. Keep in mind that my left if still extremely weak from the disc herniation in December. It still is visibly thinner than my right because of nerve damage...hopefully not permanent. It may or may not "come back." I'm 5 months our from surgery, and they give me until a year to see if the nerve will completely heal or not. That's been hard. I don't know if I'll be able to jump, (jump rope, jumping jacks, etc.) again. Or run. Not that I was a track star before, but it stinks when a ball is rolling down the hill and I can't get it, or I often stumble over my weak leg. And now my right leg is going too???

Tomorrow I have a consult w/ my surgeon. I'm hoping and assuming he'll order an MRI. I'm praying no more back surgeries. It could be scar tissue on a nerve, or a bone spur, or another disc herniated. The pain is in different spots than my left leg, so I'm wondering if there's an issue on a different level on my vertebrae.

I'm wondering if I do need surgery, if I could possibly wait until Mary's a year old. I just desperately want to be able to hold her to feed her while she's on the bottle. If I would need a fusion, it is very invasive and can take 6 months to heal. That means we'd need to hire child care and house cleaning for 6 months, b/c I could do absolutely NO lifting or bending for that time. On one income. Basically, I don't want that. I like to be able to take care of my kids myself. And clean by myself. I like the privacy we have or snuggling in and staying in our jammies all day. And I don't want to keep cleaning out our savings account to pay for child care.

Today after church I was quiet for a long time. After going to just 2 stores for groceries, I had to go home b/c I was in such chronic pain. I've been dealing w/ this for 7 months. As the kids were playing in the other room, I just stopped and started crying into Jason's chest. He just held me. I told him I was just tired of this. How long am I going to have to deal w/ this? The rest of my life? Chronic pain, the ability or loss of ability to use my body? Limbs going numb and weak b/c of my spine? This. Just. Stinks.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I have Bible verses plastered all over the house. I quote scripture throughout the day. Every morning I wake up, though, I stand up, and have this deep fear that I'm not going to be able to walk. I have weakness and pain and feel like I'm hobbling everywhere. I'm only 33 and would love to have 1 or 2 more kids. Is this possible? What if I do but still have to hire people to take care of them all of the time b/c I can't lift them?

This isn't how it's supposed to be. People are planning trips, and we're not going anywhere b/c frankly, I can only sit for a short while.

So there's my pity party. I know I have the use of my hands, I can walk, sing, dance, see, hear, taste, feel, smell, pick up my kids, do laundry, etc. But honestly, I feel like my body is deteriorating and I don't know how long I WILL be able to do these things.

I wish I were better. Thanks for letting me vent.